Praying for the city

seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the LORD on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare Jeremiah 29:7

I spent this evening along the path you can see in the picture above, with members of all the CU small groups from the various halls of residence, praying for the city of Edinburgh.

It was really great. I don’t have much more to say, other than I really enjoyed it.

I was challenged that this is my city now, that I need to pray more in general but particularly for it, the people and my friends who live here. It may not mean as much to me yet as Aberdeen did/does but God’s got me here for a reason.

I hope we’ll be able to go up again some time.

Under pressure

On Saturday night Dan also asked us what our reaction is to stress and pressure, or more precisely

“When I am squeezed, pressed, crushed – what comes out? Examples?”

Once we got past the blood and guts jokes it was time for some serious soul searching . . .

You may never have been unfortunate enough to see it but I have a real temper on me. It’s something I do my very best to keep under lock and key. I don’t like being that person, who lashes out and says horrible things and lets the anger get the better of her. I remember reading Matthew 5:22 and being scared that that was me, and it’s a fear that remains with me: “But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire.” Ever since I’ve been doing my best not to get angry and, at the very least, not show it when I do.

So, nowadays, stress and pressure generally lead me to seclusion. It’s safer that way. I get a kind of tunnel vision, becoming obsessed and determined to overcome whatever is the cause of the stress. People and normal life are forced to take a back seat. It’s safer if I ignore you because I don’t have time to care and don’t want you to know it and get hurt. Harsh right? Told you it was safer for me to withdraw.

I’m also aware that my problems are nothing by comparison so I do my best not to complain too much (though I usually fail epically) and I certainly won’t admit to needing help or not being able to cope until the very last minute: “This is my problem, I’ll deal with it, I can’t burden you with it too”. Fun times, trust me.

And if something does make me angry, rather than stressed, I’m most likely to not say anything for fear of saying something I’ll regret. Quite often I’ll have to walk it off – spend some time pacing or walking whilst ranting at myself/God. When I’ve worked out all that angry energy I’ll return and perhaps be able to articulate better what I’m on about.

This is the best way I have of dealing with stress/anger. I’d rather it didn’t get to this stage but I think it’s better that when it does, the only people to see it are me and God.

How do you cope?

7/11/09

sometimes some thoughts go through your head and you choose to write them down. sometimes you have a momentary lapse of judgement and choose to post them on a very public blog. oops. so here are the inner workings of my mind on saturday night:

feeling tiny amongst giant

worthless amongst saints

invisible amongst heroes

the one in the background

trampeled and ignored

I’M SORRY

that I listened

saw them, not you

that I can’t see

can’t trust or believe

that you’d love me

a beautiful person?

I don’t think so

Broken and rubbish

lower than low

WHO AM I?

What am I worth?

Can they really love me?

Could they actually care?

Help me see it

believe it

Please.

YAWA 2009

I was away again over the weekend for the annual St. Columba’s Young Adult’s Weekend Away (YAWA). We spent the weekend with Paul and Natalie in their beautiful home near Elgin and though our numbers were a little depleted this year there was as much banter as ever.

I know the first thing everyone wants to know is the result of the legendary Girls v. Boys Trivial Pursuit game!! This year was the most closest game I’ve seen yet. The girls led for most of it but got stuck on that last piece of pie as the boys crept up and took the victory . . . just!

There was more competition on Saturday afternoon as we had a massive treasure hunt across Moray – three cars of team members set off with cameras in search of goat statues, cathedrals, conga lines, silly hats and biblical gardens! Much fun was had by all and I don’t think the residents of Elgin, Lossiemouth or Forres were left too scarred.

We went to the Lossiemouth Baptist Church on Sunday which was very nice. They gave us a very warm welcome and it was a great service.

Dan and Stef led the teaching for the weekend. Both sessions were very powerful and, whilst I can’t really speak for everyone else, I was certainly moved and challenged. We spoke about identity and wholeness. So here, if you can cope with the deepness, are some things I learned and was thinking about:

• A lot of my identity is all wrapped up in church, i.e. St.C’s at home. That was who I was. It was how I defined myself. It gave me purpose. Now that it’s gone I’m floundering a little. Studying ridiculous amounts is one coping strategy – identity in achievement. I suspect it’s also one of the reasons I’m having trouble choosing a church – I have no identity in any of them and that’s really strange. But Stef reminded us that our identity is ultimately in God, as His children, as who He created us to be.
• We were singing on Friday night and it occurred to me, as we sang about Jesus, how easy it is for my theology to become skewed. I read and think all day everyday about big abstract concepts about God but actually my theology needs to be more Jesus centred. I need to think about Him and the cross more because it is that which defines my stance and opinion.
• Dan asked us to consider the hurts and disappointments of the past which dictate our responses to situations and pressures today, how we respond out of our brokenness. This one was painful. Difficult memories to conjure and to admit the affect they had and still have on me. I’m never as strong as I appear. There is so much more going on beneath the surface. I face demons like everyone else, if not more so. But Dan reminded us that God is still working in us and giving us the desire and power to do what pleases him (Philipians 3:20) – and it’s a work that continues as we grow in Him.

At St.C’s on sunday evening George, George and Ciaran shared a little from a passage of Scripture which had spoken to them recently. They all spoke brilliantly and God spoke through them. It was awesome to see how God is at work in the lives of others, to be reminded of His continual speaking and moving and to be inspired by brothers in Christ.

Then it was onto the train back to Edinburgh.

Church 2

How about this definition?

The church is by nature and commandment an apostolic community which exists for the sake of announcing the Gospel to all nations and of making them disciples of Christ.

H. Richard Niebuhr The Responsibility of the Church for Society

Church

The mission of the church is found where the celebration of the Lord’s Supper and the creation of human fellowship are indissolubly joined. This is what it means in an active and concrete way to be the sacrament of salvation of the world.

- Gustavo Gutierrez, The Church: Sacrament of  History, Essential Writings (Orbis Books: Maryknoll NY, 1996) p.247

Is that all the church need be? Is it sufficient?

What do you think the Church should be?

Home

(picture by wwworks)

So I’ve decided this is yet another bizarre concept.

If you’d asked me just two months ago I could have told you, without any hesitation, that home was Aberdeen – probably more specifically my house and church. There are other places I have felt at home in at other times: I always felt particularly at home when we went to Belfast and in other places I’ve visited, including Skye and Austria.

What makes home home though? For me it’s a sense of peace and belonging, not wanting to be anywhere else but content in that place as you are and it is. My friends have said it’s where their parents or family are. Others think it is where they were born, where they’ve lived longest in their lives or where their fondest memories are.

I went back to Aberdeen two weekends ago – “home”. The entire time I was there I kept having to stop myself from calling Edinburgh home. As much as I loved being in Aberdeen and seeing everybody, coming back to Edinburgh brought a certain relief. It was really wierd. Having been homesick for the first few weeks it was strange that going back only made Edinburgh feel more like home. We’re 8 weeks in, with 5 or so to go, and I can’t believe that’s all it’s been or that there are so few left until Christmas! As much as being home will be lovely, I can already tell you I’m going to miss this place!

So now home is both Aberdeen and Edinburgh – please don’t be offended when I say it!

Gavin DeGraw

Spotify strikes again! Really loving this guy at the moment. Any One Tree Hill fans might recognise the bottom one I Don’t Want to Be. One of my favourites is the first one though, Dancing Shoes.

Big Issues

As I mentioned, one of the best things about Divinity at Edinburgh is the friends you make at New College.

They’re always amazing but today was particularly fun as we discussed the format church should take, women in ministry and Christians in the army.

We’re from different places, different backgrounds, different Christian tradition and have only known each other for about 7 weeks but still, I think, feel able to share our opinions about big stuff like this, without fearing any fallout. Love it.

They also found out about my blog – hi guys!!

Isaiah 58

Is not this the fast that I choose:
to loose the bonds of wickedness,
to undo the straps of the yoke,
to let the oppressed go free,
and to break every yoke?
Is it not to share your bread with the hungry
and bring the homeless poor into your house;
when you see the naked, to cover him,
and not to hide yourself from your own flesh?
Then shall your light break forth like the dawn,
and your healing shall spring up speedily;
your righteousness shall go before you;
the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard.
Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer;
you shall cry, and he will say, ‘Here I am.’
If you take away the yoke from your midst,
the pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness,
if you pour yourself out for the hungry
and satisfy the desire of the afflicted,
then shall your light rise in the darkness
and your gloom be as the noonday.
And the Lord will guide you continually
and satisfy your desire in scorched places
and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
like a spring of water,
whose waters do not fail.
And your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt;
you shall raise up the foundations of many generations;
you shall be called the repairer of the breach,
the restorer of streets to dwell in.

Church Building

You might remember I’m not a fan of church being about buildings but if you had to have one, I want this one please:

Elegant simplicity. No distractions. A shell to be filled with the love of Christ and not our feeble efforts.

Love it.

HT: Loswhit

Church search not complete

Feel I ought to tell you I think I jumped the gun a little.

St.Columba’s (Edinburgh) is a brilliant church I would happily recommend to any and every one – I’m just not so sure it’s the one for me any more. Nothing’s changed or happened particularly but the more I think about it the more I don’t see myself there. To be honest, at the moment I don’t see myself anywhere. This whole thing is such a weird concept, I have no idea how to decide. There are a few others I want to visit but if none of them really grab me it might come down to pulling a name out of a hat.

Geeking Out

Apologies for not posting much – life is busy.

I love studying divinity.

Just thought I’d let you know.

All day, every day, I get to geek out on the subject that I love the most.

My classes for this semester are Biblical Studies, History of Christianity as a World Religion (Part 1) and Christian Ethics.

Biblical Studies is really interesting but probably the one I find challenges my beliefs/preconception the most. Learning how the Bible was composed is great but challenging when they tell you it’s basically an amalgamation of different myths and legends from surrounding cultures of the time. You kind of have to separate historical document and God breathed scripture in your head. We’ve finished the Old Testament already and started New Testament this week, so it’s quite fast paced! Both lecturers that I’ve had have been great – funny and engaging, easy to take notes from. My tutorial group is good too, though less academic, more bible study at times, and I have to restrain myself from telling them that it says such and such because God did it/said it/ commanded it and we just need to get over it. It’s good stuff at 10am every morning!

History could be amazing and the information, I’m sure, is but this is the lecture it is easiest to fall asleep in! Our lecturers are lovely people but not engaging at all really. We’re at about the year 800 at the minute so this too is really fast paced. I keep getting confused between Monophysites, Chalcedonians, Nestorians and Donatists. Our tutorial group is really great and our tutor makes it all good fun – she’s writing a PhD about transvestite monks! We got to learn about Antony (earliest monk) the other week and have looked at some other really interesting people too.

Christian Ethics is probably the most difficult subject to get your head around – lots of big philosophical stuff going on there but we’ve read stuff from legends like Augustine, Luther, Neibhur, Milbank and it’s really interesting. Our lecturer is an absolute legend! So smart it’s scary – leading scholar in the field of Christian Ethics and the Environment or something. Tutorials for this can be . . . difficult – would probably be the word. There are far more non-Christians on this course and it seems to become a debate about salvation and “why shouldn’t good people go to heaven” almost every week. There are some interesting points raised though and it’s good to be able to discuss all these big ideas we’re reading. I’m always a little disappointed though because I know the amazing conversations I would have with the folks from church at home about everything I’m reading – I might just make you do that next summer!!

There’s lots of reading involved. Fair bit of writing too. But when I make the time to do it all in an orderly fashion I really enjoy it.

The other thing about divinity, particularly at Edinburgh, is the community aspect of New College. Other lectures, of a couple of hundred people, you go in, sit down, take notes, leave and don’t speak to anyone but I have made some really great friends at New College. We go to Rainy Hall between lectures for a cup of tea (when I’m not in the library obviously!) and for lunch as well. We also half attempt to keep one another awake in lectures!

Maybe I’ll get round to posting about some specific topics some time? I’m sure you’d love that!

failed

I tried to post something a moment ago but wordpress was having none of it.

apparently you’re not supposed to know.

if not you, who?

Perks of Studentdom

There are a few.

Two in particular apply today, however.

The first is more a perk of living in Edinburgh: Murrayfield. Twenty minutes or so on the bus and I can be at the Scottish rugby ground. Even better are the student tickets for just five pounds! Today my friend and I went to see Edinburgh play Ulster. Somehow we swapped allegiances and I ended up supporting Ulster, while he was supporting Edinburgh, despite being Irish. It was a great game, even closer than I expected with some good (and some not so good) rugby played. There are also a bunch of us going to the Scotland Fiji game in a few weeks time.

The second perk from today, and generally, is being able to buy books for “educational” purposes. I’ve now found an excuse to buy two books I’ve wanted for a while which, despite not being required reading, have appeared on reading lists or been recommended to us for our courses. Second hand bookshops are my new best friends and one day, in many weeks, when all the reading required for my million essays has been done, I’ll get round to reading these others too.