SF2011: the end

San Francisco 2011 is coming to an end. Four days and everyone will pack up and leave. Three days later and it will be my turn. My heart is breaking.

I’ve been reading my posts about preparing for the trip and the ones in the lead up to my departure. It feels like a million years ago and a very different rachael. I’m more nervous about going home than I ever was about coming here. All the things that I was worried about have never arisen: I’ve not been the slightest bit homesick, my knees haven’t given me any issues, I’ve seen and done everything I wanted to do and life in community has been a million times better than I could ever have hoped for.

I’ve made friends who have impacted my life and changed my heart. Friends who became family immediately and will remain so for a very long time. There have been times where I’ve been completely broken before God and other moments where I’ve felt on top of the world. I’ve fallen in love with a city that is so breathtakingly beautiful no photo will ever capture it. I’ve fallen in love with people who are the very lifeblood of the city though no-one will ever acknowledge them. I have a bigger picture of God and a clearer understanding of who he has made me to be.

I have to wonder, if I return in a year or two years time, how different the base would be and whether or not I’d love it just the same. I have to consider my heart for the role of the local church in urban mission and my belief in the balance of ministry and secular work, neither of which YWAM caters for. But it’s difficult for me to look back at everything which led to this trip – the interactions and experiences which prepared me and pushed me towards it over a number of years – and to think that it is now over. It’s difficult for me to see what this is pushing me towards other than returning.

I’m not ready to leave. I’m not ready for this to be over.

My heart is breaking.

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3 thoughts on “SF2011: the end

  1. Do you remember what I said before you left?

    “The God in San Francisco is the same God who you’ve seen work in Edinburgh and Aberdeen”

    It can be applied to when coming back too

  2. Gosh, me neither. And for the record, I was gone for two years and loved it even more the second time I came back. Yes it was different, but still just as amazing. The base might change, but my heart for the city didn’t, I think it only grew.

  3. I know exactly how you feel Rach.. I was the same when I left Brazil last week. And I would love to say that it’s all grand when you get here but that wouldn’t be true. It’s hard. But that’s normal. It’s normal to miss people and to want a good thing to continue. One thing we need to be careful of is that we don’t spend so much time looking back to what was that we can’t apply what we learned to what is. Enjoy every minute of your last couple days there. And remember, as Russ said, God is the same in Scotland as He is in San Francisco. The people are different but He is constant so our faith and trust must be in Him and not in people. Looking forward to catching up with you and hearing all about it! xx

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