San Francisco 2011 is coming to an end. Four days and everyone will pack up and leave. Three days later and it will be my turn. My heart is breaking.
I’ve been reading my posts about preparing for the trip and the ones in the lead up to my departure. It feels like a million years ago and a very different rachael. I’m more nervous about going home than I ever was about coming here. All the things that I was worried about have never arisen: I’ve not been the slightest bit homesick, my knees haven’t given me any issues, I’ve seen and done everything I wanted to do and life in community has been a million times better than I could ever have hoped for.
I’ve made friends who have impacted my life and changed my heart. Friends who became family immediately and will remain so for a very long time. There have been times where I’ve been completely broken before God and other moments where I’ve felt on top of the world. I’ve fallen in love with a city that is so breathtakingly beautiful no photo will ever capture it. I’ve fallen in love with people who are the very lifeblood of the city though no-one will ever acknowledge them. I have a bigger picture of God and a clearer understanding of who he has made me to be.
I have to wonder, if I return in a year or two years time, how different the base would be and whether or not I’d love it just the same. I have to consider my heart for the role of the local church in urban mission and my belief in the balance of ministry and secular work, neither of which YWAM caters for. But it’s difficult for me to look back at everything which led to this trip – the interactions and experiences which prepared me and pushed me towards it over a number of years – and to think that it is now over. It’s difficult for me to see what this is pushing me towards other than returning.
I’m not ready to leave. I’m not ready for this to be over.
My heart is breaking.