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Sunday School Answers

My Dad emailed me this today having read it on (his new favourite site) Belfast Forum.  It made me laugh out loud. A lot.

Can you imagine the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

Pay special attention to the wording and spelling if you know the Bible even a little you’ll find it hilarious! It comes from a Catholic Elementary School test! Incorrect spelling has been left in.

1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinnesses. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was Joan of Arc. Noah built and arc and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

7. Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the Dessert. Afterwards Moses went up mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commmandments.

9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in to the battle of Genitol.

12. The greatest miracle in the bible is when joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of David s sons had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus she sang the Magna Carta.

16. When the 3 wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St John the Blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule which says do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained that man does not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and mangaed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

23. 1 of the opposums was St Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marriage.

25. Christians have only one spouse. That is called monotony.

BYE!!

I’m off on holiday over the next week so I’m afraid there will be nothing coming your way in that time.

Going to FRENZY tomorrow – very excited! I’d go just for David Crowder Band personally but also really looking forward to Parachute Band and Third Day. 

Then on Sunday it’s off to Skye for week!! Kind of dreading the drive in my sleep deprived state (likely to get back from FRENZY at 2am) but can’t wait for a week on that beautiful Island with no thoughts of school/ work/ the general stresses of life. And I’m afraid it’s not going to be like Rome, when you were practically there with me – some time out from technology, and the world, will do me good. 

Have a great week! If you’re lucky I’ll send you a postcard (though please don’t be offended if I don’t!) 😀

Please ignore me

I have been complaining a lot recently. Too much. Far too much. About just about everything though mainly my busyness.

I’d like to ask that you forgive me for it, forget about it and ignore me when I inevitably do it again. Most of all do not worry.

My life is manic but I love it. I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s busy with good things, great things, God-given things.

Sure I get a little stressed and work quite a lot with little time for much else but that’s okay.

I was once told that Matthew 11:30 could also be translated as “My yoke is good, my burden is light” – these are the tasks God has given me and they’re good. Even better, is that Jesus says I can give them to Him.

So next time I complain, slap me round the head (gently) and tell me quit it.

Then help me make some time travelling helmets!!!

The Lord’s Prayer – Our Father

Jesus taught us how to pray. It’s all there in Matthew 5:9-13. And it all starts with 

Our Father

It’s not often two simple, common place words can have such power.

Jesus prays to God, addressing him as father 60 times in the gospels. God is Abba: Dad.

I love that. God, creator and sustainer of all the universe, is my Dad in Heaven. A perfect, flawless, sinless Father.

I’m blessed witha a great dad – who I know loves me and would do anything for me, who supports me though he doesn’t always understand me, who provides for me, forgives me, comforts me, trusts me – but he is still imperfect (sorry, dad). I think the great relationship I have with my dad (though it hasn’t always been so wonderful) is one of the reasons I can relate to this aspect of who God is/ this way of identifying Him.

When Faye asked the children at Kidsplus tonight what the perfect Dad is like they came up with some great words: perfect, loving, kind, caring, provides, comforts, listens, teaches . . . there were more but I forget – they were really good though!! And God is all these things and so much more. Faithful, patient, strong, compassionate, slow to anger, ready to discipline. And so much more again.

He brings us up, teaching us, helping us from tiny little wobbly steps where He has to hold us up to when we’re ready to go it alone just holding His hand for guidance and seurity. Sometimes we need to cry and hurt and He’s there to comfort and hold as we battle with Him. Sometimes we need to wrap our arms around Him and cling on for dear life. When we fall down He picks us up, brushes us off and sets us back on our feet. His love is unconditional. 

God is Dad. It means we can come to Him in prayer because He wants to hear, He wants to be involved in the tiniest details and most giant decisions, He wants to speak to us and He wants to help us.

And He’s not just my Dad, or your Dad, He’s our Dad. We are united, one people under God, a family under their Father.

I seriously suggest listening to Mark Driscoll’s sermon on the Lord’s Prayer – he puts it so much better than any of these posts ever will.

Up and coming

Going to try and do a couple of things over the next few weeks.

On Tuesdays at Kidsplus we’re looking at the Lord’s prayer. So we’re going to do the same here. Every Tuesday I’ll be posting about one line, what it means in general and what it means to me.

At assemblies in the primary schools at the minute we’re doing the ten commandments – two at a time – so I’ll be posting about those on Fridays.

I could go one further and post about James which the discipleship group at school is studying though I think I might make those more sporadic.

Things are getting serious – now we’re having mini-series!! I wonder what’ll come next . . .

Start of the Downward Spiral

It has begun.

I have taken the first step onto the downward spiral of debt.

Everyone warned me against but then my mum said just go for it.

Yesterday I received a notice about my student loan (though thankfully it hasn’t actually been given to me yet) and today I got a letter about my brand new, fully functional overdraft!!

Good times ahead folks, good times.

Especially in these days of financial crisis and economic uproar.

It’s a good job God’s in the business of providing.

Twintern

This is just mental and yet somewhat appealing . . . 

Tweeting Becomes a Summer Job Opportunity

JOB PURPOSE: To attend advertising shoots, product meetings and other corporate events. “They’ll be our social media journalist, chronicling in 140 characters or less what’s going on at Pizza Hut,” said Bob Kraut, the vice president for marketing communications at the company. The Twintern must also play social-media defense, monitoring Twitter for any mentions of the brand and alerting superiors whenever anything negative about the Hut is being said.

I didn’t really believe the news report but, right enough, here it is on Pizza Hut’s website: Twintern

Worship Flashmob

I posted a few weeks ago (maybe months now) about the first flashmob to take place here in Aberdeen.

I’ve just come across, in my blog reading catch-up, a worship flashmob of sorts that took place in Liverpool before Easter.

We began scattered among the shoppers. At the signal, we all stopped and took off our shoes … an ancient sign that this is “holy ground”. God lives in shopping malls as well as churches!
We then made out way to the park at the centre of the mall where we sat together to form a cross … and prayed silently for a few minutes. We remembered Easter and the cross. We prayed for the current economic situation … for those who have lost jobs … and for God’s blessing on our city … we prayed for hope.

18

Today is my 18th Birthday. 

I’m officially an adult.

The celebrations started about a week ago, with cake at Stef’s as I mentioned previously. Then on Saturday night we had a ceilidh for Ruth’s birthday, my birthday and Dave and Angie’s wedding anniversary. Today I had a pre-birthday birthday because my family were returning home and my dad was going to edinburgh for work, so we went out for lunch and opened presents this afternoon. There was also yet more cake at Bible Study tonight. Tomorrow, it’s off to a yet to be disclosed (i.e. Stef hasn’t decided) location for lunch with Stef and Kirsty, then dinner with school friends tomorrow night. Most definitely the longest and probably the best birthday yet!

I have been overwhelmed by everyone’s kindness and effort in celebrating this with me. Honestly don’t think I’ve had this many birthday cards since primary school and some of the sentiments written within or said to me, have left me speechless. My friends are truly the best. I am incredibly blessed. Thank you everyone!

You’re sick of hearing this I know, but every time I’m able to accept just a little bit more that people actually care about me, I can’t help but think of September and leaving them all behind. I hate it. 

But enough moping! There’s more celebrating to be done. It has just gone midnight after all and though I’m an adult I think I get more immature by the day.

The past eighteen years have been immense. Bring on the next one!

Confession Time

Today was not a good day. New peaks of stress and exhaustion were reached – physically, mentally, spiritually. New lows of mentality and mindset were also achieved. Do you ever have one of those days when you spend too much time in your own thoughts and each and every one makes you miserable? Well that was my day today.

So I wasn’t really in the best of places when I went to church tonight. I wanted to go becasuse I wanted to worship and not think for just a little while about the crapness of my day or stress of my life. But that’s totally not how God works, and if there’s something going on He brings it to the forefront of your mind and speaks straight into your situation.

My big stress is the twenty four hours of prayer and fasting which I have been organising for the past number of weeks and which is running from 8am Friday to 8am Saturday. Major stress. But without much obvious reason – everything is pretty much in hand, I’ve got all the stuff for the room – it just needs set up tomorrow, people have offerd to help cook breakfast – I just need to buy the food. It’s not the practicalities I’m freaking out over – I can handle those with my extensive lists – it’s people turning up, or not as the case may be.

I am completely freaking out that no one will come. Or that they will and they’ll be disappointed. And I’m concerned about this because I’m concerned for my own reputation and what people are going to think of me. I don’t want to let anyone down and I certainly don’t want to be considered a failure. I’m worried they’ll see it as a wasted responsibility and as a breaking of trust. I’m petrified. 

So here’s the real confession, I guess, because whilst I’ve been talking the talk (“and walking the walk”) the reality is, I’ve been carrying this completely on my own back. I’ve been doing it all in my own strength and as far as I’ve been concerned it’s been up to me whether or not it worked.

I realised this evening though, that it should be His. That it is His. That I am nothing – not a pawn, a vessel, a project manager. Nothing. It’s Him, all Him. Whether it works or not, it’s all Him.

That’s one of the greatest things about prayer (one of the worst for control freaks like me): only God can do it. Only He can bring people to the point where they want to and only He can respond to the prayers that are offered. I can make that room as quirky as I like; I can come up with as many different ways of praying as I want; I can offer as many perks as I feel necessary but if God does not work in hearts and minds and lives, all of it will be in vain.

Prayer is a dangerous business for someone like me to be involved in. There’s too much letting go involved. But I can’t shrug it off. I can’t let go of it. God’s got me hooked. And is teaching and disciplining me bit by bit.

I’m scared. I’m worried. But now it’s His. Not mine.

this is my chair

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This is my chair.

It is where I sit.

It recently emigrated from the land of Living Room to this fairer place I call My Humble Abode.

It is a very comfy chair. Good for reading, blogging, writing, planning, surfing, chatting and sitting.

I like it very much.

That is my chair. It is where I sit.